Amon and the Exploding Taco Salad
by HydeandAis
Summary: Touko puts Amon on a taco salad diet! But does Amon's taco salad contain more than just meat, cheese, and lettuce? (cue dramatic music) Rated because Ais usually needs her mouth washed with soap. Heh.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: leke, we dnot nown anytnign buut tis ficcie!!!!!!!!!11!!!1!1 Okay, that was scary. But it means we don't own it.

Ais/Hyde A/N: This fic is a collaboration of the two ingenious and mentally unstable minds of Hyde and Ais after they went out to eat and got taco salad. Therefore, heretofore, whatsoever, notwithstanding, and patchoulibob, it will make not a grain of sense. You should not take it seriously. And if you will notice, in the series, Pepsi is referred to as Bepsi. Enjoy!

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"What'll you have?" a waiter asked Amon, who was sitting at a table for two by himself at Billy-Bob's Diner.

"Taco salad," Amon said darkly, glaring at the waiter as thought it was all his fault. You see, Touko had been pressuring him to go on a taco salad diet with her and he promised he'd try it. He did not promise to be happy about it. "And I want something else to drink."

"We serve Bepsi products here, and no alcohol."

"No beer." Amon grunted and made a noise rather like a ground tooth.

"No beer."

"No… beer. I want a Bepsi then." The words 'RIGHT NOW' hung in the air between them. (It was, of course, Ais holding up a sign, but we shall ignore this sad fact…)

Amon felt as though this would be an opportune time to avail himself of the restroom facilities. He sat in the bathroom stall and muttered. A person entering the men's room at the time would have heard something resembling the following:

"Muttermuttertacosaladmutterbeermutterbeermutter waitermutterstupidnameforadinermutterToukomutter crazymutterbeer."

Actually, he was pacing. How one can pace in a space of less than two cubic feet I will never know, but perhaps there was some sort of peculiar scientific time-space equation to explain it. Or maybe he was just gifted.

Ah yes, Hyde. Gifted. What were we saying?

Finally Amon decided that he had paced enough, and went back to his table, but not before muttering this:

"Mutter taco salad mutter better be mutter there mutter orbo gun…"

Luckily for the waiter's peace of body and soul, it was there, sitting innocently on the dirty white tablecloth, the picture of greasy purity along with the famous Bepsi.

But he had a gut feeling. Something just wasn't right. He picked up the plain, thick, steel fork and poked a tomato gingerly. Well, gingerly for Amon, that is.

He still didn't trust it. His hand strayed toward the orbo gun perpetually in his coat pocket. He stood, and backed away. Then, he threw his fork right at the lump of sour cream.

**__**

KABOOEY! Cried Hyde the Sound Effects Lady and the Infamous Taco Salad at the same time, as Ais observed the lettuce, meat, cheese, tomatoes, and an onion ring that had gotten in by mistake scatter over the room. Amon instinctively dropped to the floor, rolled away from the danger zone, and came up with orbo gun ready. People screamed. Waiters ran around tripping over young children. Amon and his orbo gun didn't help. The restaurant was soon empty except for Amon who crouched stock still until he was sure there were no after-explosions. Always the cautious agent.

Was it a cruel hoax, or a practical joke gone wrong? Could it be that somebody really was after him?

"Mutter," Amon intoned. Explosives just don't get into sour cream by accident, you know.  
Amon examined the damage. Besides the poor innocent taco salad's demise, there was a small hole in the drop ceiling, which was now coated with sour cream, and the tablecloth would never be the same again. (Ah well, no one will notice.) His Bad Black Coat seemed to have some grated cheese on it. But that was it.

"Mutter," Amon concluded, and quickly did the coolest thing he could master: He cranked open the greasy, dusty handle of the window and ejected himself from the premises in a swirl of black cloth.

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Ais A/N: I have permission to post this one! W00T! Hyde wrote quite a bit of it. It's short so far, but future chapters will be longer. We swears upon the Precccioussss...

And that reminds me, Hyde, it's your turn to start a chapter!

We do, as always, love you eternally and platonically if you review!

Eat cheese before you die,

The Great Mother Goddess Ais and the Immortal Archangel Hyde


	2. In which the ketchup bottle does disaste...

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Disclaimer: We doesssss not ownsssssssss!

Hyde: Smeagol! Who said you could do the disclaimer?!

Smeagol: I didssssssssssssss.

Hyde: Well, from now on, keep yourselves away from our disclaimer.

Smeagol: Finessssssssssssss! But we doesn'tssssss likesssssss it!

Hyde A/N: As you can tell, this chapter is written primarily by me, Hyde. Being as Ais and I don't actually get together too often, and as we don't want to keep you in suspense for like a month at a time, we are going to kinda trade off who does the main writing. Not to say that Ais wrote nothing in this chapter, which she may or may not. But I'm doing the actual typing and posting.

There, now that you have it all straight, the story shall commence:

Amon sat outside the STN-J building in his Macho Black Audi and contemplated. Darkly. He contemplated Touko and her taco salad diet. Darkly. He contemplated enemies of ominous witch hunters. Darkly. Lunch break was over, but he didn't care. No one will get on the case of dark, ominous persons with orbo guns if they are late from lunch break. Failing of said ominous persons to stick to their diet, however, is a different story. Especially if the person getting on the case of said person about said diet happens to be said person's (questionably sane) girlfriend by the name of Touko.

Amon, having been highly muddled by all the said persons and said diets, shook his head to clear his thoughts, causing his Macho Black Hair to become slightly un-macho-ly mussed. It did not quite hang in the same straight, limp, macho way as it had that morning. He said a word or two which shall not be repeated. A cameraman handed him the Emergency Comb and Hair Gel. He snatched them in a darkly irritated manner and rolled up the Macho Tinted Windows so no one could see him. When he emerged he was looking his normal, macho, ominous self.

(Hyde: Okay, lets take it from the part where Karasuma enters. ACTION!

Amon: --wince--)

Karasuma then entered the scene.

"Amon! I was just about to set out without you. Don't you know we were supposed to hunt Hannah Chow RIGHT after lunch break?" She climbed into the passenger seat and flipped open her communicator.

"Michael? I found him…Out in his car….Okay….We'll be back."

"Karasuma," Amon said in his deep voice when she hung up, "We have a problem."

"What?"

"Someone is trying to kill me."

"What do you mean? When? How?"

"Exploding sour cream at lunch break."

"Sour cream?" Karasuma raised an eyebrow and fixed him with a questioning glance.

"None of your business."

"How do you know it wasn't just a joke?"

"It wasn't just a small explosion. It was a big one. Someone trying to kill me is the only answer."

"Who would kill you?"

"Maybe a relative of someone I hunted."

Karasuma looked dubious. "How would they know who you were?"

"Let's just forget it for now. We have a job to do." Amon stared straight ahead. It was obvious to Karasuma that he did not want to discuss it further. (It might not have been so obvious if Ais had not at that moment held a sign up to Karasuma's window that said 'He doesn't want to discuss it anymore because you keep nullifying all his ideas.')

"But Amon, this is serious. If someone's trying to kill you we have to find out who."

Amon did not reply, but gave her a Sullen Glare That Is Intended To Silence Those Who Insist On Discussing That Which Dark Ominous Personages Would Rather Not Discuss Due To The Fact That Persons Named Karasuma Keep Being Dubious About Macho Dark Ominous Inspirations. _I was trying to find out,_ he thought, _but you are just being narrow-minded and negative toward all _my_ ideas. I'd like to see you figure it out._

………………………………

"Amon, I figured it out!" Karasuma cried out.

"What?"

"This crossword puzzle. The word is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. I should have known it from the start."

Amon resisted the urge to say "Pneumo- what?" and the subsequent urge to sigh. Instead, he said something like 'muttermutterpneumomuttertacomuttersourcreammutter…' See, even Amon has urges to be normal, he just resists them. (Doujima is trying to get him to see a therapist about that.)

"Say, Amon, how about we stop for something to eat on the way back?" Karasuma suggested.

"No," Amon said quickly.

"Why not?"

"I'm…ah, not hungry."

"Well, I am. At least let me get a cheeseburger."

Amon grunted his assent and turned into the nearest fast food restaurant (McPonalds).

"Hi!" Karasuma said cheerfully into the drive-through speaker box thingy, "I'd like a cheeseburger please."

"Will that be all?"

"Yes."

"Please pull up to the window."

Karasuma was handed her cheeseburger by the hand of a cheerful employee, into which she placed exact change for her food.

"Thank you. Come again!" said the cheerful employee. She was particularly cheerful today because Karasuma was the second person that day who had given her exact change. She hated making change.

As they pulled away, the smell of the cheeseburger wafted through the whole car. To Amon, on his taco salad diet, it seemed strong and overpowering. A person less strong would have lost their resolve and snatched the cheeseburger right out of Karasuma's hands.

"You sure you don't want anything, Amon?" Karasuma asked.

It took all of Amon's strength to answer to the negative.

"There's another McPonalds up near headquarters."

"No," Amon said, making it as forceful as he could. But he was thinking, near headquarters. So easy. Sneak out…two minutes…no one would know…

He shook his head violently to clear such awful thoughts from his head, and nearly upset his hair again.

When they reached the STN-J building, Karasuma got out. Amon just sat there.

"Amon, aren't you coming?"

"I'll be there in a minute."

"Okay."

Amon sat there a moment, then started the car and drove to the McPonalds. He sat in front of it, stared at it. Just stared. Then he got out of the car and leaned against the side of it and stared. Darkly. Then he walked into the store and leaned up against the wall, absently and darkly reading the menu over and over. Creeping out the guy at the counter.

"Hey, you," the guy said to Amon.

Amon looked at him and raised his eyebrows threateningly. "What?"

Slightly shaken in resolve, the man continued a little less confidently, "Are you gunna order anything?"

Amon gave him a Sullen Glare That Makes Those Who Dare To Question The Motives Of Dark Ominous Individuals Quake In Their Boots (Or Loafers As The Case May Be).

The man gulped and retreated to the back of the store, where he leaned against the wall and shook uncontrollably (despite the fact that he was wearing neither loafers nor boots). A classic case of shock from initial exposure to Sullen Glares. They affect most people that way the first time. But you can build up a resistance to them after a while.

Now, Amon was left in solitary silence to do whatever he wished. Maybe not a good thing. Because as soon as the guy at the counter was gone, the subtle Voice of Temptation that Whispers in Your Ear started in. (Actually, the subtle voice was that of Hyde, who was filling in for Temptation that day, as Temptation was laid up with a minor case of the flu.)

"_Come on…just one little cheeseburger…one little small fry…no one will know…Touko won't know…it won't hurt anything…it'll taste so good…_"

__

No, Amon thought ferociously at the subtle Voice of Temptation, _I promised her I'd do this._

"_How can she expect you to do this…nothing but taco salad…you know how much lettuce repulses you…you won't survive this way…you have to survive…_"

__

No! Amon thought violently, trying to eject Temptation with sheer violent thought. It didn't work, and some lady nearby was giving him a weird look. He suddenly realized he'd spoken aloud. Muttering 'mutternomutterstupidmuttertacosaladmuttercheeseburger

mutternomutter' he turned inward into his thoughts.

"_Have you ever noticed how subtlety makes your throat hurt?_" Temptation asked.

__

No. Amon wondered why Temptation, which normally offered convincing and luring arguments, was offering conversation instead.

Temptation, reading Amon's thoughts to the effect, switched gears. "_Come on…you know you want to do this…it won't hurt anything…why not give in?_"

Unknowingly, Temptation had offered the wrong argument.

__

I never give in, Amon thought fiercely. Then he turned and strode out of McPonalds to his car.

………………………………..

That night, Amon visited Chow's Pizza Parlor for supper. The menu included an unusual variety of Japanese and Italian foods. Tonight, Amon decided he was in the mood for Italian. He was of the opinion that tomatoes were good for one's contemplation skills. And he had a lot to contemplate tonight. The attempted assassination of Ominous Personages, the taco salad diet…

The taco salad diet!

So much for Italian. Well, there were tomato slices on top of taco salads.

Amon ordered his taco salad and sat waiting for it in silent and alert contemplation. It was, however, difficult to remain alert when contemplating taco salads. Amon's distaste for lettuce cancelled out many of his alertness skills.

Then, a crowd of people all walked right beside and around Amon's table to get to their own. Suddenly, he was jostled from every side and surrounded by playful and cheerful laughing. _How,_ he wondered as he threw minor Sullen Glares That Severely Reprimand All Those Who Interrupt Dark Ominous Personages By Jostling and Laughing,_ can they laugh? These are dangerous times of solemn contemplation._

Then, having been pulled out of his state of deep, dark contemplation, Amon had a feeling of terrible warning and danger. Perhaps it was born of years of dangerous witch hunts, perhaps of an acute sense of the danger he was in (although it is more likely that it was born of the Great Mother Goddess Ais). Whatever its mother, it warned him. Something was wrong. He scanned the room, and his eyes lit on the cause of all the unrest in his soul. The ketchup bottle.

Before Amon had time to contemplate any further on the subject, the ketchup bottle began to rise up on a single metal leg. It began cranking down to a horizontal position. Amon realized what was going on.

"DUCK!" he yelled, and dived smoothly and macho-ly under the table.

Subsequently, the ketchup bottle let out a spray of bullets.

Patrons screamed, ducked, and/or ran in hysterical circles. Then, there was a mass exodus.

When everyone had gone, Amon cautiously emerged from under the table. He surveyed the damage. There were sixteen bullet holes in his chair and many tables and chairs were overturned, causing the floor of Chow's Pizza Parlor to be caked in pizza and sushi.

As Amon turned to go, another feeling of warning and danger hit him. Instinctively, he ducked and rolled, and came up with his back to the wall and his orbo gun ready. (Unfortunately, he came up with his foot in the center of a pizza.)

As he did so, the ketchup bottle disappeared in an explosive self-destruction.

His orbo gun, bad black gloves, and the sleeves of his bad black coat covered in sushi from the force of the blast, Amon decided to leave. There was nothing to do, no evidence. The self-destruct had taken care of that.

Keeping his orbo gun at the ready, Amon slipped back through the kitchen and disappeared from the scene in a swirl of Bad Black Coat.

………………………………

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Hyde A/N: A long chapter! Yay! We all rejoice with gladful song! Did you know that the Microsoft Word Spell Check is under the impression (perhaps mistakenly) that 'glassful' is a word? I certainly never knew that glassful was a word.

Did you know that over here in the great state of Indiana we had a storm recently in which the wind was so strong that the massive amount of rain we had was blowing in horizontally in waves? Yep yep. Our poor hibiscuses took quite a beating. Our next door neighbors had three trees down. One of 'em was a big one. I saw it. Yep yep yep. And 5-10 miles away in town they didn't even have a storm. And we weren't even under a severe thunderstorm warning.

Okay, now that you have heard many useless things blabbered to you, we shall move on with…--drumroll--…review responses!

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Pyro-witch2: Hyde: Thank you. We like sound effects. Well, I do. I cannot speak for Ais. But I do think sound effects are rather fun myself. I'm not sure when more fics will be coming because me and Ais are both writing two fics each now, since we each have our own single one to write.

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Ais: Two fics each? Dude, I'm writing SIX. With full sound effects, of course. :D

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Gidgeybob: Hyde: Thank you…I think. Cock-Cola?

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Ais: Oh yes, I remember the Cock-cola, indeed I do... For a while it was a topic on Harry's (before you came, I think) and it brought up all SORTS of dirty images, believe you me... recall the 'Amon Joy' topic, too? Man, my mind's gonna take up permanent residence in the gutter one of these days... Ah! I see you made a Cock-cola topic! Well, time to visit the gutter! :D

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CrazyTomboy: Hyde: Yay for chimichangas! I love chimichangas too. And spaghetti. And butter pecan ice cream. –drool—

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Ais: I am crying. This song makes me cry. It makes me very sad... I need Kleenex. Okay, all better. Ah, I love A&R too. I mean, how could one NOT?

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Ein: Hyde: Why, thank you. Odd is our specialty.

Ais: That and stalking Orlando Bloom... oh, did I just say that? :D

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Kyra Invictus Black: Hyde: Hmm. Most people either hate or love Harry Potter but I'm kinda inbetween. I, too, have cats. Four of them, all adorable. Ais, I believe, has five.

Ais: does not like the HP books, thought the movies were three-of-five I am high priestess to five picky-picky kitties, yes. I am glad you are so fond of this. bows

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Ghosthunter: Hyde: Ask Ais. She hasn't updated in FOREVER so we must all bug her until she relents and forces the Fount of Inspiration to flow once again.

Fans: --bug bug bug—

Ais: deep sigh Consider my wrists slapped, beaten, broken, and slashed. I apologize. I've been trying but I have a summer job that happens when I usually get ideas. And I don't quite know where I'm going with it. Ideas greatly appreciated.

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Parnoid: Hyde: You're welcome. And actually, this chapter was a complete collaboration because I was over at Ais's house the day most of it was written. Mutterhappypatchoulibetoyoumutter.

Ais: Mutterhiparanoidmutter. Glad you like it! Mutterthankyoumutter.

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Sakura Rain: Hyde: I do believe the bad black coat escaped the horrors of grated cheese. Ais, have you any details on the coat's condition?

Ais: Yay GOPWA! Last I heard it was still in critical care and a bit shaken, but pulling through nicely and completely off life support with the exception of a stain remover drip. :D

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Naomisingerkitty: Hyde: Thanks. I have an Aunt Naomi BTW. Great useless information that shall forever be of use and service to you.

Ais: And Ais does NOT have an aunt Naomi! Ais has... an Aunt Lora, and an Aunt Carecon, and an aunt...

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St Earns: Hyde: You must have found a bathroom stall of unusual largish size. I have rarely encountered a bathroom stall large enough in which to pace. I like making sound effects, or rather, making fully effective onomatopoeias for the imitation of sounds.

Ais: Urg. Ais would say more but Ais thinks she has food poisoning and is about to collapse... Pardon Ais. Thank you very much for reviewing, sensai... --falls over, gets up, goes off to find sody saleratus--

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Miuixtli: Hyde: Well, here is more Amon muttering, just for you.

Ais: Hi Alice! AMON SHALL MUTTER! Care for a Cock-Cola? :D W00T! Join me in the gutter...

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Eternal-Authoress: Hyde: Thank you. We try to be funny.

Ais: P34r 0ur m4d hum3r sk11z. Heh, don't mind me... I'm just insane and making a vague, poor attempt at 1337 talk...

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Robin Michael's Pyro Angel: Hyde: Thank you. Most of our humor stories are kinda weird. But the exploding taco salad is not the end. Many more attempts on Amon's life to follow.

Ais: Screwed up... this would mean I had something to do with it! Poor Amon... we love you, Amon... --sniff—

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Carri: Hyde: My friend, seek help. Your spelling is atrocious! Lol! Actually, I've seen a lot worse. A person me and Ais know whose name is Victoria would spell 'does' as 'dose'. She couldn't spell a thing. It was kinda bad, because she was in seventh grade. She still can't spell, BTW, Ais.

Ais: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... gets whacked by Hyde snorkorlandobloomsnorkwha? Oh sorry. I'm awake. Good morning. Thank you. I love reviews, you know. Toria always DID need spelling help... May patchouli never eat your second cousin's sockzzzzzzzzz...

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We are eternally sorrowful and remorseful if we missed anybody.

As always, please review. It makes us happy.

Smeagol: It makesss Ssmeagol happysss too!

Hyde: Ahk! Smeagol! Will you never stay out of here?

Smeagol: Nevers. We swearssss on the Preciousssss…

Hyde: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

May you never find Smeagol eating your meatloaf,

The Immortal Archangel Hyde and The Great Mother Goddess Ais

(PS: Your turn, Ais!)


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